Hey everyone that doesn't actually exist because no one reads this blog! Sorry I've been bad about posting regular updates about what's been going on lately. There has been a lot going on in my life recently. Mostly good stuff, but some a little... not good.
First things first, I've been going to school double time. Literally double time: 23.5 units in fact (so just under double time I guess if you want to nitpick). The only time I've had to work on music after school which is normally around 4:30pm, and my brain is already so fried that I've been just doing little bits at a time. The downside to this is that I'm not pumping out as much music as I used to. The upside is that I have been working on music that feels good to me. Granted, some of it is a bit... odd you could say. The most recent song I produced (which can be heard HERE) is chock full of odd melodies and unquantized drums. It felt good to produce this song. There wasn't an insane amount of brain-work involved like there is in my other projects. Not like my tunes are all that cerebral though. They tend to not be interesting to other people though... I'm not really sure why however.
I noticed that since people aren't really all that interested in my tunes, which is fine, I started to try conforming to mainstream music sounds. The change wasn't necessarily conscious though. I mean, I've only recently figured out that I was doing it. There are some style that I will stay conformed to, like Downtempo, and progressive metal (even though I suppose you could say that one is never conforming in progressive metal). So while I was wallowing away in self-loathing and anxiety ridden conformist music making, I realized a few things about myself: One, I have anxiety. Pretty bad too. It's the reason why I dropped all of my classes for a couple semesters. It's the reason why going out is more of a chore, than a pleasure. I'm learning to deal with it though, now that I know I have it. Two, I realized that my music was starting to be true to someone else. It was turning into something that did not represent me, my emotions, and my way of thinking.
What I've realized is that I have to just stay true to myself and write (and do) what feels right. I want to start writing poetry again, I want to start playing the drums, I want to record more heavy blues and jazz. Hopefully when I'm done with the school program I'm in, I will get a job. No, start a career. That way I can actually do things with my life, and start doing the things I want to. Soon enough I suppose...
While I'm not on any drugs at all, I really identify with this quote from the brilliant Adventure's of Sherlock Holmes.
"My mind," he said, "rebels at stagnation. Give me problems, give me work, give me the most abstruse cryptogram or the most intricate analysis, and I am in my own proper atmosphere. I can dispense then with artificial stimulants. But I abhor the dull routine of existence. I crave for mental exaltation. That is why I have chosen my own particular profession, or rather created it, for I am the only one in the world."
While I am not the only musician in the world, I am the only one that can write the songs that I have. That goes for every musician. Writing music is personal to everyone, in every way. That's one of the main reasons why I am so happy to be a musician--as hard as it may be sometimes.
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